Fan Mail
by untamed.thoughts
Summary: Once a month, Gotei 13's captains meet to go over their fan mail. What kind of fan mail do you think they get? Their reactions? Just a random idea that came to me. Hope you enjoy!
1. Fan Mail

A/N: This was a random idea that came to me and I had to write it into a fanfic. Let me know what you think. I'd like to write additional chapters if you guys like this idea. I think I can do a chapter for the fukutaichou and Espada as well. Your reviews are welcome and appreciated. =)

Disclaimer: All Bleach characters belong to Tite Kubo and I don't profit in any way from this story.

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Captains' Assembly Hall. Rich mahogany panels lined the expanse of the hall. At one end of the long space sat Yamamoto-soutaichou, poised on a single wooden chair with a tall back. Along both sides of the room stood the best of the best, the captains of the Gotei 13. Well, ten of them.

Suì-Fēng, Unohana, Kuchiki, Kyōraku, Hitsugaya and Kurotsuchi stood to Yamaoto's right while Komamura, Kenpachi and Ukitake took the left. Most of them stood uninterested and none of them bothered to make small talk with one another. When gazes met, it was a small nod of acknowledgement or in Kenpachi's case, a scowl and then a grunt. At one point, Hitsugaya stole a glance at the soutaichou and his eyes were unmistakably closed. He sighed to himself. _What a tiresome meeting_ , Hitsugaya thought to himself. He had better things to do. In fact, he was sure that the paperwork at the tenth division must be mounting by the minute if he knew his fukutaichou, and he did.

Suddenly, all heads turned as lower ranked Shinigami entered the hall, laboriously wheeling in barrows of mail into the room. They dumped their cargo into the middle in a giant heap. Because Shinigami used hell butterflies to communicate, they did not have anything akin to a postal office. When mail from the Living World arrived, they were collected and once a month, the captains met to go through them. Most of them had protested at first, claiming that such a menial task shouldn't be given to the elite members of the Gotei 13, but Yamamoto had insisted, saying that there could be sensitive information within. Eventually, it became evident that the mail received was never anything more than mere fan mail. Again, the captains raised the question of why they had to be the ones to sift through the mail, but being a rather stubborn and proud man, the soutaichou would not withdraw his initial decision. So, once a month, they met to comb through the immense mountains of fan mail addressed to the Gotei 13.

When the last of the envelopes were dropped onto the giant mound before them, the captains dived in, wasting no time at all. The contents of the letters were usually the same and could be skimmed in under a minute. Fans wrote to express their gratitude to their favourite captains or admonish them for something they didn't agree with. Pretty basic stuff; nothing extraordinary. Thus, when Hitsugaya held onto his letter for longer than a minute and his face turned a beet red, Kyōraku noticed right away and peered down to see what had captivated the young man's attention.

"Oh ho, Tōshirō-kun. Way to go!" He gave the pearl-haired boy a playful smack on his back.

All the captains, even Kuchiki (who is famously disinterested in almost everything) stopped what they were doing to turn their attention to their flustered colleague.

"It says here, this lady wants to have Shiro-kun's babies," Kyōraku divulged. Ignoring the death glare that Hitsugaya was now giving him, he continued.

"She goes into great detail about how she'd make that happen." He chuckled as he shared this.

Unohana held her kimono sleeve up and tittered behind it. Suì-Fēng and Kuchiki returned to their reading, pretending they were not even mildly amused. Komamura and Ukitake gave Hitsugaya a sympathetic smile and Kenpachi sneered.

"How come I never get mail like that?" Kyōraku pouted as he picked up another envelope.

"Kuchiki-taichou, I think this one is for you," Suì-Fēng held something up by the corner, distaste plastered across her features.

"What is it?" Kuchiki didn't even bother looking up.

"Look at it yourself," she said, flatly. She dropped the item into his hands, covering up the letter he was currently reading.

"Oh, another naked photo." Kuchiki's voice was indifferent. He tossed it causally into the growing mountain behind him.

"What?! You get naked pictures? Of women?" Kyōraku skipped over to Kuchiki and retrieved the discarded photo. He held it up and gawked at it unabashedly.

"She's a looker. How is this fair? _I_ never get this kind of mail!" When he thought no one was looking, Kyōraku tucked it into his kimono sleeve and returned to his spot.

"Now that you mention it, what kind of fan mail _do_ you get?" Kurotsuchi asked, curiously. This could be interesting data for his division.

"Hmmm... Mostly advice on how to gain my Nanao-chan's affections," he responded, breaking out into a hearty laugh.

"What about you, Mayuri-kun?"

Kurotsuchi bristled at the familiar way that Kyōraku addressed him.

"I don't get _fan_ mail," he answered, without explaining himself.

Kyōraku raised an eyebrow, suddenly interested at Kurotsuchi's evasion. When he thought Kurotsuchi wasn't watching, he reached around Hitsugaya and stole a letter from his pile. His eyes widened as he read the contents. Kurotsuchi wasn't kidding; he certainly didn't receive _fan_ mail. Kyōraku shook his head and returned the letter to the pile.

"Well?" Hitsugaya cocked his head to the side to look up at the tall goofy captain.

"It's more like _hate_ mail," Kyōraku whispered to the boy. He caught Kurotsuchi's angry stare and quickly busied himself with the next letter.

The captains continued to pore over their fan mail (and hate mail) in silence for another hour or so. All of a sudden, Kenpachi threw a bunch of papers in the air and growled, startling everyone, even waking the soutaichou.

"I can't do this anymore! I'm bored! I wanna fight someone. Loser has to read my share." His eye gleamed with danger and crazy. The bells on the tips of his hair jingled sharply as he looked around the room, hungry for a taker.

Ukitake put a slender hand on the giant captain's arm and gave him a kind smile.

"Kenpachi-taichou, let me help you. There's no need to draw swords here," he said gently.

Kenpachi burst into loud maniacal laughter.

"Swords? There'll be no need of swords for me to beat you lot."

Kuchiki looked up from his mail, insulted by the comment. He would show him. But before he could put the aggressive captain in his place, Kenpachi had walked out of the Assembly Hall. The other captains looked to the soutaichou for his reaction, but there was none. His eyes were yet again closed and the steady rise and fall of his shoulders confirmed that he had fallen asleep again.

"Say, what kind of mail do you think Zaraki gets?" Kyōraku asked to no one in particular.

Before anyone could stop him, he had made his way across the hall to the other side where Kenpachi's mail had made random piles all around his spot. Kyōraku picked up the topmost letter from one of the piles and read aloud.

" _Dear Kenpachi-sama, I think that you are a truly complicated man. Even though you appear dangerous and scary, your relationship with Yachiru-chan is adorable! I hope we get to see more of your softer side in the future. I would love to hear back from you. Please write back to me. Your loyal fan, Yu."_ Kyōraku looked up to see all eyes on him. Most of them had expressions of disbelief. Was this girl for real? _Adorable_? _Soft_? Kyōraku shrugged. He returned the letter back to its spot and walked over to his best friend.

"More get well cards?" Kyōraku poked through the pile of stationery behind his long-time pal.

"You know it. Our fans are too kind." Ukitake raked graceful fingers through his alabaster strands. He grinned, eyes curving.

Komamura nodded assent upon hearing Ukitake's comment.

"It's true," he added, still nodding.

"And you, Sajin-kun, what do the fans send you?" Kyōraku turned his attention to the large wolfish captain.

"I get a number of things actually. After my human form was released, I even received a few marriage proposals."

Kyōraku's jaw dropped. Komamura shrugged, nonchalantly. Suddenly, he turned to the two female captains.

"Do you ladies get marriage proposals too?"

"Oh yes, but I don't take them seriously," Unohana replied, smiling.

Suì-Fēng frowned and turned her head to the side.

"They're a nuisance," she muttered under her breath.

"Last one," Hitsugaya announced as he picked up the last envelope before them.

Everyone turned to watch as he turned it in his hand looking for the addressee.

"No name," he said, his brows knitting as he held it up to the light.

"Just open it then," Suì-Fēng said, impatiently.

The eight remaining (awake) captains formed a sort of huddle as Hitsugaya tore at the edge of the ivory coloured pouch. He gingerly pulled out a single sheet of paper folded into thirds and opened it up. Clearing his throat, he began to read.

" _Dear Yamamoto-soutaichou, I think you are so sexy! I wish that there were more scenes of you, especially in battle. Wink, wink. Do you have a wife? A girlfriend? I hope you don't find this too forward, but I was hoping that we could meet up. I think you would like the Living World. I'd show you a good time. Call me..._ " Hitsugaya couldn't continue. He held the pink-dyed page up for someone else to take over. His face was a fiery red.

The room was silent for a long moment. Then, at the same time, all of the captains burst into laughter. Even Kuchiki had a smile on his stoic face. Yamamoto awoke to the sound of his captains' roaring laughter.

"This one's yours, Sensei," Kyōraku plucked the letter from Hitsugaya and handed it to Yamamoto, bowing as he approached him.

Yamamoto could feel his captains' intense stares. He knew something was up.

"You are dismissed," he declared, waving one hand at the disappointed captains before him.

As they filed out, he looked down and began to read...


	2. Valentine's Edition

A/N: Thank you to the kind reviewers. This chapter's for you. Happy Belated V-day! =)

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February. Hitsugaya had been dreading this month's meeting for weeks. He had considered not coming at all, mulling over various excuses that his fukutaichou had used on him before, but had failed to come up with a plausible one that he could pull off. After all, it wouldn't be nearly as believable if he were to double over from cramps. He frowned to himself as the other captains entered the large Assembly Hall. Most of them wore a similar annoyed expression or no expression at all. His eyes shifted to Kyōraku who stood on his left. The jovial captain's eyes shone briefly and Hitsugaya wondered if he was actually excited for this tedious event. Suddenly, the sound of metal grinding interrupted his thoughts and in came the Shinigami, bringing in the month's mail from the Living World. He glanced over at the soutaichou and as expected, found him asleep in his chair. Hitsugaya huffed as he reached out for a red envelope.

"Oh, cheer up, Tōshirō-kun! You always get wonderful fan mail!" Kyōraku gave the shorter captain a wide smile and ruffled his pearly white hair a little.

Hitsugaya pulled away, tugging at his strands to restore the order that Kyōraku had ruined. As he fiddled with his hair, Kyōraku picked up the red envelope that Hitsugaya had just opened and pulled out a small booklet. He flipped through the pages as Hitsugaya muttered under his breath, still working on his hair.

"Shiro-kun, this is awesome! This girl sent you a book of coupons. Look at this... A free back rub... A foot massage... A home-cooked meal... A... Oh." Kyōraku's voice dropped and a blush fell across his cheeks.

Suddenly curious at Kyōraku's reaction, Hitsugaya snatched the booklet from his hands and read it for himself. His eyes went wide immediately and a blush twice as red as Kyōraku's washed over his face. Kurotsuchi, standing to Hitsugaya's right, noticed the two captains' odd behaviour and looked down to see what they were reading.

"A blow job," Kurotsuchi stated, loud enough for everyone to hear.

The air in the Assembly Hall went still and everyone kind of stopped what they were doing. No one looked up, but the silence was definitely an awkward one. A few faces tinged pink while some held back smirks.

"I don't get it. Is that some kind of explosive?" Kurotsuchi was beginning to feel rather annoyed as he was the captain of the 12th Division and the President of the Shinigami Research Institute and should know more than the others. It bothered him to no end that the other captains shared an understanding about something he had no clue about. He made a mental note to himself that he would have to expand his data banks to include more information about the Living World and their kind.

"No, Kurotsuchi-taichou, it's not," Unohana replied, politely. She could hear Kurotsuchi's irritation in his voice and the last thing she wanted was a dispute during an already tiresome endeavour. However, she wasn't ready to be the one to explain it to him either.

Even though Kurotsuchi was not satisfied with Unohana's brief response, he had no choice but to carry on as everyone else had resumed their tasks and he knew he would not be able to get an answer out of any of them. He grumbled to himself as he skimmed over yet another letter reprimanding him for his treatment of his daughter. _Stupid humans. They know nothing_ , he fumed inwardly.

"Say, any more naked photos this month, Byakuya-kun?" Kyōraku asked, unable to contain his eagerness.

"No, they're clothed," came the passive reply.

Although disappointed, Kyōraku still sauntered over to Kuchiki to glance at the photo that he was currently looking at. His thick dark eyebrows shot up and he had to pinch his nose to prevent a nosebleed. In a suggestive pose, a pretty woman was on all fours, sticking her buttocks in the air, looking back over her shoulder with a seductive gaze and a finger between her lips. Her behind, the body part closest to the lens appeared even larger and rounder given her position in front of the camera. At the top of her rump was a large white fluffy bunny's tail. White fishnet stockings covered her bare legs and as far as Kyōraku could tell, she wasn't wearing a top. At the bottom corner of the photo was a perfect lip imprint in bright pink lipstick. Underneath, it read, "Happy Valentine's Day! XOXO".

"Bya-kun... You call this clothing?" Kyōraku choked out incredulously.

Kuchiki shrugged, handing the photo over to Kyōraku. He was aware that the older captain had been taking them from his pile. He didn't really want to know why, but it wasn't like he kept them anyway. He picked up another envelope, hoping Kyōraku would now leave him alone.

Kyōraku beamed at Kuchiki as he deftly tucked the photo away and skipped back to his spot to resume his chore.

Suddenly, Kenpachi's booming voice drew everyone's attention at once.

"I don't get it," he hollered, holding up a ruler with a tag dangling from one end.

"What does it say?" Suì-Fēng asked, clearly annoyed at being interrupted yet again.

"You rule." Kenpachi's forehead creased as he turned the ruler around and around in his large hands.

Suì-Fēng arched a single eyebrow as she looked at the giant captain studying the plain wooden ruler.

"It's a play on words. That's a ruler and your fan thinks you 'rule'. Like, you're cool." Suì-Fēng shook her head at him and resumed reading her own letter.

Understanding dawned on Kenpachi and he broke out in a loud raucous laugh.

"That's clever! I'm going to save this for Yachiru. She'll like this!"

"Speaking of mysteries, I keep getting the same poem in all of these letters. Well, different variations, but they all contain the same error. Or, I think it's an error." Komamura was scratching the side of his head with one paw. Usually a quiet member during these meetings, everyone was surprised to hear him speak and stopped what they were doing to listen to his riddle.

"They all say, 'Roses are red, Violets are blue'... But, aren't violets purple?"

The captains all gave it some thought. Then, collectively, they decided that violets were indeed purple.

"Maybe the violets in the Living World are blue," Unohana offered.

A few heads nodded in assent.

"Suì-Fēng, I couldn't help but notice that you've received many black envelopes. I hope your fans are treating you kindly," Unohana said, gently to the younger Shinigami beside her.

"Oh, they are. You see, I really like black cats, so my fans have written their letters on special stationery," Suì-Fēng explained, showing Unohana the letterhead littered with black cats making various faces.

"Ah, I see." Unohana smiled in relief.

"What about you?" Suì-Fēng asked the gentle and kind 4th Captain. She returned her smile, knowing that the older Shinigami had her best interests in mind. "What are your interests? Do your fans know?"

"I get a lot of dried pressed herbs. I think our fans are wonderful," she answered with a gracious smile.

"Shunsui-kun, you should come see this," Ukitake suddenly called out.

Kyōraku hopped over the remaining letters in the middle and crossed over to the slender and graceful captain.

"What is it, Shirō-kun?" Kyōraku stood beside Ukitake so that he could see what he was referring to.

"Fan art," Ukitake said, softly.

Kyōraku looked at the sheet of paper Ukitake held and blinked.

"Ah..." Kyōraku had no words.

Ukitake smiled sheepishly at his friend. He had no words either.

"What? What is it?" Kenpachi bellowed from their side. He was bored and he hoped that they had something entertaining for him.

"N-Nothing! Nothing at all, Zaraki-kun," Kyōraku quickly replied. He had ripped the page from Ukitake's fingers and was now holding it behind his back.

Kenpachi narrowed his eye at Kyōraku, anger and amusement dancing across his features.

"Show me," he growled.

Kenpachi reached forward but Kyōraku shunpo'ed back a few feet. By now, Kenpachi was grinning like a lunatic.

"We will settle this with a fight! You must show me if you lose!"

Kenpachi leaped forward, knocking over piles of mail around him. Kyōraku darted between the other captains, escaping his reach. Kenpachi continued to chase Kyōraku around the room for a few minutes until all of a sudden, the deep voice of the soutaichou startled everyone.

"What is this foolishness in my Assembly Hall? Stop it at once!" He commanded.

Begrudgingly, Kenpachi returned to his spot in the hall and Kyōraku slid back to his place as well, relieved that he did not have to show Kenpachi the fan art. He gripped it firmly behind his back as the soutaichou addressed them.

"Is there anything for me?"

Every head perked up at the sound of the soutaichou's question. Even Kuchiki was surprised to hear that their First Captain held any interest in these trivial human fancies. They looked at one another, sharing the same look and reaction. Who was going to answer him? Finally, Unohana cleared her throat.

"No, sir. We haven't yet come across any so far."

Yamamoto nodded. He eyed the thinning pile in the middle. It looked like the meeting was nearly over.

"I'll be in my office then. You can alert me if any sensitive information is discovered."

Even though Yamamoto knew very well that they only ever got fan mail, he had to remind them that there really was a purpose to this monthly meeting that he knew they all hated. He walked out of the room, pausing twice briefly. Once, to cast a warning gaze at Kenpachi, and then at his pupil, Kyōraku.

When Yamamoto's reiatsu faded from the room, Hitsugaya plucked the paper from Kyōraku's hand. Kyōraku's grip had relaxed quite a bit since he had returned to his spot and he was unprepared when Hitsugaya suddenly removed it from his fingers.

"Hey!" Kyōraku yelped, making a grab for the piece of paper, but Hitsugaya was too fast for him.

Hitsugaya burst out laughing as he waved the fan art around in the air. The other captains stepped closer to see what he was trying to show them. Kenpachi took it first. One glance at it and he also fell over with laughter. One by one, they passed the sheet of paper around until it had made its round and returned to Ukitake, who now stood rigidly in his spot, pink flushed across his delicate features. In his hand, the fan art done in pencil crayon starred two captains, drawn with amazing detail. Against a cherry blossom tree, Kyōraku sat with his back against the tree trunk. His hair was neatly tied back and all around him were falling cherry blossoms. In his arms was a silver-haired captain with long locks flowing in the wind. The two were looking into one another's eyes with passion finely drawn into their pupils.

"Our fans have quite the imagination," Kyōraku mumbled, embarrassed.

"There, there." Hitsugaya simpered, patting Kyōraku on the back, mockingly.

"Last one." This time, it was Komamura who announced it, as he held up a single ivory envelope.

The rest of the captains watched on as Komamura turned it over in his hand. They guessed that this one also didn't have an addressee because after two more flips, he ripped it open with a clawed finger.

" _Dear Yamamoto-soutaichou, I was wondering if you got my first letter? I haven't heard back from you. It would really mean the world to me if you'd be my Valentine this year. Roses are red, violets are blue, all of your captains are sexy, but not as sexy as you!"_ Komamura read the note in full, his voice deep and unwavering even as he declared his love for the soutaichou.

The captains looked at one another. They wondered if Komamura was blushing underneath all the fur. Then, they all turned to Kyōraku at once and Komamura promptly dropped the letter into his hands. Before Kyōraku could protest, they all shunpo'ed from the Assembly Hall, leaving him behind to deliver the letter to their soutaichou.


End file.
